Military

Im leaving in the Army in March. The feelings that go through you everyday are so crazy..and in a way they are still amazing. I had a girlfriend when i was originally gonna go and i wanted her to marry me. We had talked and we decided when i get done with basic if things were still working we would get married. Well me and my girlfriend had the strongest relationship and we went through some of the hardest things a couple can go through. Well she decided she couldnt hang and that she wanted to be single a few weeks after i joined.  

Now I have different struggles and difficulties to overcome everyday but in a round about way it wasnt all bad.

ive finally found GOD again. Where i should have been all along. And as weird as it may sound I live more like im supposed to. Ive found to look past as many of the shallow things in life as i can and to focus on what is important to me and what will make my life better. Now losing sarah was the hardest thing that has every happen to me. But two things great came out of that. One i dont want to put her through such a dramatic series so young in her life, she is too amazing to go through that. And secondly she showed me alot about myself. I learned how to be myself again.

Of course im gonna be living Blake Shelton's Austin song for the next three years but i dont need anything in my life but to do things to better myself.

Now leaving is soo hard. it hurts everyone around you just as much as it is good. Everyone talks about how hard it is for me to leave them and how they are gonna miss me. And from my point of view it is soo much harder.I am Willingly giving up so many things to try and go somewhere in life. My life was fine i was enrolled in college i had a job and a loving family and the girl of my dreams. And I am losing them one by one and walking away from it all..

everyday I am trying to move forward and do something ive never done before.  i am meeting new people and trying to be as genuine as i can. 

Time

A little Story I wrote.

As he gets the news his whole world is twisted upside down. she isnt going to make it through this time. she fought it off three other times but it finally caught up to her. their last fewhours together couldnt have been more perfect. they both lied in her hospital bed holding each other and remembering all the great times they had together. she had said she didnt want to have a sad goodbye...she wanted a happy one..so they told old stories of their wonderfull life together.
after she had left he was heart broken...
he started thinking..

ten years back he had wanted the new pickup of the year. there was nothing wrong with his old one but he couldnt help but want the next greatest thing. the next six months he spent four more hours each day at work making overtime to save up.
then back when they were fresh out of highschool he went on an all guys camping trip she asked him not to go on on their anaversary. he said there would be many more years to come and celebrate and she smiled and was assured. it was a two week long trip.

in their middle years he spent many weekends away on buisness trips for work that he didnt have to go on. they could have mad it just fine without the extra money.

as he sat there in he old rocking chair he started doing the math...
11976 hours of his life...time that could have been with her.
thats 499 more days..a little more than a year..
 he had wasted on time away that wasnt needed.

the moral is not that you need to stay attached to your loved ones at all times.
its that you need to treasure all time with the ones you love.
dont take anyone or anything for granted.

Change

THE SADDEST PART OF LIFE IS THAT PEOPLE CHANGE...
FOR SOME IT CAN BE GOOD OR BAD, BUT THE PROBLEM IS NO ONE STAYS THE SAME.
SPLIT SECONDS CHANGE LIVES FOREVER
WHETHER ITS THE DRUNK PERSON RUNNING THE RED LIGHT OR THE PERSON WHO IS WICKED ABOVE ALL GETTING SAVED...PEOPLE CHANGE

SOMETIMES I SIT AND WONDER..
WHAT WOULD THE WORLD BE LIKE IF NO ONE EVER CHANGED.
WHAT IF PEOPLE WERE PREDESTINED TO BE A CERTAIN WAY TILL THEY DIED
WOULD LIFE BE POSSIBLY BETTER??
COULD IT END HATE...OR EVEN LOVE???

Brother

i look down at you with a secret pride. Sometimes we fight and times we exchange tiny bits of hatred. But we have our moments when we get along. When you stand at my side looking up.
 We have our differences but we are blood. Through anyting im here for you. those times i would not let you come with me on my adventures.

They were the times when i fell from my path and lost sight of my goals. For one i didnt want you to see me like that and two i dont want the same for you.

I may not handle everything the best but im here for you.
Loyal to our blood.
even thoughit may not show. im proud of you. and you are becomeing twice the man i will be...
 You will go places and i will sit back supporting you anyway i can.
Cause your my brother and that secret pride is rightly there.

story of my love..

Love







so basically life is the hardest thing in the world...people change, you hit obstacles and sometimes you just get completely shit on. but life is also the greatest thing in the world. there will be days when you stop and wonder why me what could have i done to deserve this..then there will be days when i will look at someone else and wish with all my heart i could have prevented things from happening to them also. even the most pure fun loving people have the worst of times. people need to just be there for everyone, we dont know what everyone elses struggles are and shouldnt judge a book by its cover.



it takes courage to love. to give you heart knowing its easily broken,and not expecting anything in return..thats true love.







yesterday i was asked to do the hardest thing ive ever done in my life...







i was finishing work and on my way home when my girlfriends stepdad called me. well my girlsfriends phone is broken and she calls me off his on ocasion so i figured it was her, but when i answered her stepdad was on the line. he started off asking me if i could talk for a minute he had a huge favor to ask. of course i said ya and he handed the phone to his wife. she started off asking if i could pick up my girlfriend from work today at four and i said of course because we were gonna hang out anyways. then she asks me if i can keep a secret...im thinking they are gonna suprise her and get her something special or something so i laugh and say yes. they say..kyle this is serious and its a huge secret can we trust you?? again i say yes. then they tell me. .....her dad was killed lastnight...by her oldest brother...and we want you to keep her busy until 9:00 so her brothers that are flying from texas can tell her in person...

so here i am basically getting asked to lie to this girl that im starting to fall in love with, for most of the day, and act like nothing is wrong so she can have her world turned upside down when she gets home at nine...

well ive never met her brothers but she always talks about them and they are all so close so i figure that this is the only way it can be done. so i agree and rush home to go get her from work all smelly and dirty from a ten hour day.

as im driving over there im trying not to panic. im thinking ok so i have to come up with something to do for around 5 hours where she cant see the papers or news or anything. no myspace because there were already condolences in her inbox and everything.

so after this 15minute drive over i finally get there...and i walk in and go get her and we walk out to my car. well remember how earlier i said her phone was broken so she'd call me from her stepdads well someone at her work had given her a phone to replace it and she wanted to go have it activated...so trying to think quick on my feet i tell her playfully that she couldnt because i was kidnapping her for the day and taking her to dinner and out and all that good stuff. well she kinda played along but would not get off this turning her phone on thing which i 'blame her. but what can i tell her to make her not want to turn it on. if she does someone will text her saying something or something like that and everyone will get mad at me. so i tell her..heres the plan.. we go to my house i shower and change then we go to panda express then walmart to return ur broken camera then my house or something just to relax for a while. well she didnt want anything to do with it. she wanted to first have me drop her off at home so she could get her car check her myspace go get her phone turned on then hangout...

so riddle me this..

what do you say to your girlfriend when she cant know whats going on but you cant tell her why. you have to try and keep her not suspicous or angry and want to just leave all together???

i did what any 16 year old boy/man would do... i told her no haha. i told her it was gonna be a special day and to just please go with it.



and she agreed.



so we head back to my house and i take a super quick shower and change my clothes while all the while she keeps asking to use my laptop to check her myspace..then we leave my house and head to hers so she could get dressed..as we get there her stepdad and mom are like basically sitting there waiting for us to come back. we get out and she runs in to go take an shower and get ready while i sit out front talking with her stepdad about how gratefull he was and sorry for throwing me under the bus but honestly i was thinking of a plan the whole time..so her mom keeps pushing for her to do a ton of things while were out like mini little erands and she is getting pissed saying to leave her boyfriend alone haha. so as we are leaving her stepdad thanks me again and give me a hug right in front of her..



then as we are leaving in the car she says. damn my stepdad has a crush on you or somethin. were going to go make a copy of a picture and he hugs you goodbye hahaha.



so after we leave the first place we go is to eat at panda express. we have an amazing time but all along im worried how it will all come out in the ened. after we are both stuffed we migrate from panda to walmart to return the camera. we leave there and only killed one hour so now im desperate for something to do and she keeps bothering me about getting the phone turned on. so out of nowhere she decides we should go shopping at the mall and i thinks its random but a great way to kill time so im down.



we get there and everything was going fine for three hours when all the sudden i realise the reason we came to the mall...she was headed for the phone comepany booth in the mall..!! so here i am again faced with telling her not to get her phone working and i cant give a reason for it and honestly cant stop her. she gets up and thank god for all the ass holes who steal phones and all that good shit cause she couldnt get it activated with out the owner of the plan being there to verify it:):)



so now that that little roller coaster was over with the whole mall trip was pretty smooth..



so as we are leaving the mall for some random reason it becomes talk about how much i miss and love my dads and brother day. and as we are driving she is pointing out all these places they would go to and telling stories and telling me how i need to meet them and all that super depressing stuff...so im sitting here dying on the inside basically about to cry and i have to act happy cause she is having a great day and under normal circumstances i would be too..



so finally we on the last leg of our trip.. we stop at jamba juice to get something to drink before we move onto the next thing which needs to be her house and i need to come up with a reason fast because its almost time. then i get the call..her mom says that everyone is ready and i need to bring her back now...





so this ride home...this crushing ten minutes when im sitting there knowing in five minutes her life will never be the same.. i know that we are gonna get there and she will be sooo happy to see her brothers and go from happy to miserable in just a few mins...and ..she will know that i have know all day and had to lie and keep her busy so her brothers can tell her..





we arrive and she sees them and is so excited.. she runs out of the car sreaming and jumping around and i can see their faces and they are soo hurt also.. so as they are greeting i go inside..sit with all her relatives and family friends i dont even know while they are thanking me and teling me it was the right thing to do...



but im not gonna lie. i still feel like shit..it may have been the best way but why did i have to be the one to do it. couldnt they not have told me or something. couldnt they just have told her then??



well her and her brothers get done talking and she goes in her room..

now im really feeling bad..

her brother comes out and tells everyone she took it well but needs alone time. and that when she comes out she doesnt want any sympathy or long hugs or anything just to leave her alone. so my heart sinks...



 her door opens and she comes out..i fell so bad i cant even make eye contact i just sit there trying not to cry or something stupid to draw attention. she comes out and joins the circle and her eyes are red and her makeup runny. everyone still trys to kinda make her feel better but she wants nothing to do with it.. she walks around the room and past everyone and right up to me....



im sitting on the couch..looking down..



and she calls my name and i look up..



she smiles and says thankyou and sits down next to me and wraps my arm around her...





right then...at that very moment she kissed me and i knew...

that this girl was not like everyone else..she was special and perfect for me..and that I loved her and would never be able to go on without her.





love is all its cracked up to be, its worth fighting for dying for and living for.

First Thought

Relationships are the best and worst things in the world. you see the saying its better to have love and lost then never loved at all is such a bitter sweet saying because...the losing part is so painful. the world needs love. love is the begining and end of everything. love can make or ruin lives with just one decision. its a crazy thing..some people can walk through life never feeling real true love. like planet aligning love. most people nowadays get married on tolerences rather than love. physical attraction has its part but its not the same as a pure just supposed to be together love.

The worst part of love is losing it...you watch thousands of movies around the world where someone messes up real bad and then for some reason it all turns out fine.
The worst thing in the world is having someone breakup with you and you sit and wait all day for that magical moment when they burst in apoligizing and asking for you back...but it doesnt happen..and it hurts.
 Not many will visit this blog its kind of my way to vent and pretend someones listening. but if someone is please feel free to comment i wouldnt mind the help.